I posted this as a post-birthday obligatory post:
It was a scan from the photobook of his latest album. Someone translated the Korean words and I thought, “How relatable.”
I’ve also been having this sitting on as draft since March:
A list of my favourite artists (can’t believe I really forgot to add Utada Hikaru). I remember wanting to hype these people on my blog just because I love their music so much and I want the whole world to know.
You see, I take music very seriously.
Even before I know it, I have turned into an intense listener when it comes to music. It’s always been all-or-nothing. Either I make time to listen to the whole discography or just don’t bother at all. It’s probably why I never really paid attention to my Discover Weekly playlist back when I still used Spotify. It’s also probably why I only listen to very few artists and have very poor variety on my library.
And it’s why it’s always special when I find someone I can hail as my new favourite artist. Because I don’t really try to look for them anyway.
I probably only started to listen to his works around earlier this year, or really later last year. Just not long after I first got to know SHINee, which was probably around November last year. Even so, it didn’t take long for me to listen to all of his works, and I already loved what I heard back then. His musical comfort zone is the usual genre I always welcome with open arms, and to add to that his voice fits perfectly. I’ve never been a lyric person to begin with, but sometimes when I was feeling curious I would look up the translation of his lyrics, and found myself impressed most of the time. It wasn’t so difficult, loving his works.
“Ah, after what seemed like an eternity, I finally have a new favourite artist to add to the ever-so-brief list.”
Hence the rough draft.
When Story Op.2 was released last April and I listened to Let Me Out for the first time, I thought to myself, “Really there’s no way I’m not letting the whole world know about his music.”
(I still didn’t work on that draft, though. I felt too guilty to work on it instead of finishing the one I had been working on for far too long.)
Let’s say I’m a gloomy person. Whenever I find music that speak to me, that I can connect to in a very personal level, I’ll worship the artist who allowed that music to exist in the first place. Let Me Out is that music for me, and Jonghyun is that artist. I remember the first time I listened to Let Me Out, I was really taken aback when the chorus hit. It was abrupt and somewhat disturbing on some level. There were hints of desperation all over it. It was so raw and intense, it really stood out from the rest of the tracks in the album. When I looked up the lyric, you might as well say my brain got short-circuited due to the abundance of shock.
You know you’ll most likely be in shock when something, figuratively, touches you too deep, way more than what you expect them to.
That’s just how personal his music can be.
And it’s exactly why I treasure him as an artist so much. An artist whose sensibility I really admire and look up to.
An artist who, even as a person, didn’t hide his emotions and was always so honest and open with it. An artist who has clear vision of what music he wants to pursue (which is also the kind of music I love). An artist who, like me, prefers smaller venue concerts because it yields more intimacy and interaction between the artist and the fans. An artist who’s also a poet. An artist I won’t hesitate to brag and gush about. An artist that also inspired me to wanting to create art that can touch someone too.
The only artist within K-Pop realm whose concert I want to attend.
I really look up to him so much. I think I’m so attached because I see him as the ideal figure I want to be.
So that is why, a week after his suicide, I’m still devastated.
It was hard. The news was such a big shock that left me feeling suffocated. Even when I tried to take a deep breath I still felt so suffocated. It was really hard, and still is. Never had I imagined losing your favourite artist, losing someone whose works has helped you to reconnect to yourself for numerous times, would hit you this awful.
And reading his final letter was even more heartbreaking, as if my heart hasn’t broken to pieces already. It’s not because I felt pity. Rather, it’s because there are some lines, some part, that didn’t even take a second for me to comprehend.
And it’s just what makes it so heartbreaking, to have even just the slightest idea how he endured so much for so long.
Jonghyun, you did well.
You really did.
And because I adore you so much, I’ll grieve.