Today, too, let’s be functional.
I would stare at the mirror and thought that. I can’t even remember when did I last wake up feeling energised, I’m already too familiar with the lethargy that has been plaguing my days from start to end. I feel tired when I wake up, I still feel tired when I’m about to go to sleep. I really had to will myself,
Let’s be functional.
Let’s try to pay attention to the surroundings during today’s commute instead of get lost in thoughts again.
And so I tried.
There really were days where I’d wake up feeling weak, hardly able to move my limbs even just half an inch. I would sigh then. And as I did, I felt this sharp pang of guilt. Ah, there I sighed again. There I go being dramatic again.
Have I ever done anything for these past few months beside piling up guilt?
Five, six months.
November? December? October?
I didn’t mean to count, but I kept looking back. Five, six months of generally feeling ever so gloomy. Five, six months of repeatedly asking myself, why am I being like this?
It’s not like I don’t have any list of people I can reach out to. I do, though? Or so I convinced myself. I do or I don’t, what difference does it make. I’d still feel cut off from the world.
See, so dramatic.
I’m exhausted. I feel guilty for even feeling exhausted at all. I feel guilty for wanting to announce to the world that I’m exhausted. I feel guilty for taking this exhaustion so personally. Everyone is exhausted after all, and I really, cognitively, am aware of this. I can acknowledge that. Everyone is exhausted. I truly, truly agree.
Look, you’re not alone!
That should make me feel better. It doesn’t. I wish just by acknowledging that alone can affect me, but it really doesn’t.
I’m mentally exhausted.
I’m physically exhausted and I’ve troubled a great deal of people for being so. Sometimes I really would feel like my body can’t keep up and that’d show on my face and people would comment, nonchalantly and innocently so,
Why do you look so tired?
Good question. Why do I look so tired? Why do I have to be looking so tired most of the time?
This is where you’d see me picking up another guilt and keeping it close like it’s some sort of invaluable diamonds.
In a world where you’re only allowed to be happy, what chance do I stand?
I can’t keep up. I feel sick. I’ve been feeling sick for quite some time now. Ah, but it’s probably psychosomatic so I should not make a fuss about it. Let’s refrain from troubling yet another great deal of people. I’ll get by, I think I’ll get by eventually.
But it’s so hard to breathe. This loop that I keep going on through from time to time can get too suffocating sometimes.
Then at one point my hand got in a lot of pain for a month or two. I’ve been overusing it, apparently. You depend on your hands a lot for all sort of daily tasks, so it really crushed me when the pain got more and more persistent. All this time I could barely holding on, and now I have to endure feeling so worthless and undeserving just because I can’t use my hand like a proper human being everyone else is.
I cried for a week.
I haven’t cried for a really long while but back then whenever those thoughts resurface I ended up crying.
I can’t keep up.
I should’ve learned to stop piling up guilt by now but I still do anyway.
If I’m exhausted then whatever let’s just be exhausted whenever! So I told myself. And didn’t feel anything, let alone feeling any better.
Let’s stop indulging in self-pity and self-loathing!
That’s true. That’s actually reasonable. I wish I have any energy left to actually care.
It’s okay to feel anything or nothing at all! You’re valid the way you are, you were, you will be!
I wish I have any energy left to feel even just slightly moved.
I’m tired. Whatever.
I keep piling up guilt. Whatever.
Let’s just be functional. I’m already so undeserving, the least I can do is to try to be functional for the rest of the day.